DS: Hello? Tom Benson? How are you doing? This is David Stern!
TB: Oh hello there David.
DS: I’m just calling to let you know that the hornets have won the first overall pick from the draft lottery, like I promised.
TB: I see. That’s excellent news!
DS: Yes, with Anthony Davis from the draft and Eric Gordon back from injury the Hornets are already looking like a playoff bound team.
TB: Well, thank you very much David. I’m going to need the Hornets to be good this year since the Saints sure as hell won’t be with all the bountygate suspensions and Drew Brees being a greedy little bitch.
DS: I’m glad to be of help Tom! I have some other business I have to attend to now so I will call you back another time. Thanks again for buying the Hornets from us I really appreciate it.
DS: Ha ha ha ha ha! Excellent! With the hornets sold to a new owner the league can finally get back to being profitable! This is why I love rigging the draft lottery every year, I can send a good player to the teams I want where they will make alot of money for the league!
(Michael Jordan walks in)
MJ: What the fuck is this!
DS: Ah! Michael Jordan!
MJ: You son of a bitch! I tell my team to tank the whole season for that #1 pick and now I find out we never had a chance to get it in the first place? I’m going to fucking murder you!
DS: Michael! Be reasonable. I’m sure we can work something out?
MJ: (shoots David in the leg) That’s my opening negotiating position!
DS: AH! My leg! Fuck! Why are you even here? I heard you injured your stomach when you visited Larry Bird.
MJ: I’m good! Now let’s negotiate that deal. Give the Bobcats the #1 pick or I’ll shoot your other leg!
DS: No! Please wait! Michael! You have to understand. I needed to give the #1 pick to the hornets in order to sell the team. If the league goes bankrupt every team will be at risk, including yours. And besides – don’t you know that I rig the draft lottery every year? Remember when Patrick Ewing -
DS: AH! My other leg!
MJ: If you can’t give me the #1 pick, tell the Hornets not to draft the player I want.
DS: Michael, that’s impossible. The #1 pick won’t have any value to the hornets unless they draft the player they want. And everyone already knows who they’ll pick.
MJ: That’s not my problem. Either tell them not to pick Austin Rivers with the #1 pick or I’ll shoot you again.
DS: Michael, please dont do it! … wait a second. Did you say Austin Rivers? You want Austin Rivers?
MJ: Yeah, that’s what I said.
DS: So what you’re saying is, you don’t want to draft Anthony Davis?
MJ: hahahahaha! Anthony Davis? Are you kidding me? Why would I want that ugly motherfucker? That unibrow is the ugliest thing I’ve seen since _____ ‘s free throw shooting. And besides, I already have Bismack Biyombo at center.
DS: Oh. I see. I forgot that I’m talking to the guy that drafted Kwame Brown at #1 back in 2001.
MJ: What did you say?
DS: Nothing. Please continue.
MJ: So do we have a deal or not?
DS: Well, if it’s Austin Rivers you want, I can definitely guarantee you that the hornets will NOT be drafting him with their pick. May I ask you why you want him?
MJ: That’s easy. To get revenge on his dad for kicking me in the stomach of course!
DS: What the fuck?
MJ: Yes. Every day he shows up to practice, I will have my boys Bismack Biyombo and Kemba Walker hold him down while I tap dance on top of his stomach. It’s going to be fantastic! hahaahahahahaha!
DS: There is something seriously wrong with you. Have you been to the psychiatrist recently?
MJ: Shut the fuck up! You know nothing about me or what motivates me to do what I do. In any case, if you’re sure I can draft Austin Rivers with the #2 pick then I will be leaving. Goodbye David.
DS: Wait, Michael! You can’t just leave me like this! I’m in a lot of pain here!
MJ: Too bad. Me calling you help wasn’t part of the deal. I only said I wouldn’t shoot you anymore. Ha ha ha ha ha! (starts walking away)
DS: Hey Michael remember this: “With the first pick in the 2001 NBA Draft, the washington wizards select Kwame Brown from Glynn Academy, Brunswick Georgia”
DS: Aw fuck!