“You motherfuckers are soft like Charmin in this motherfucker. God damn, is this the type of shit that’s going on in these practices? Now I see why we’ve lost 20 fucking games. We’re soft like Charmin. We’re soft like shit.”
Kobe Bryant’s outburst at today’s practice was so epic, so quotable and so viral-worthy, even the toilet paper maker had to respond.
You know, in terms of toilet paper, saying you’re as soft as Charmin is a good thing. In basketball? Not so much. #tweetfromtheseat
— Charmin (@Charmin) December 11, 2014
Here are ESPN‘s details of the practice I would have paid a lot of money to be a fly on a wall at.
Bryant was also getting on Jeremy Lin during the scrimmage, daring him to shoot whenever he had the ball, yelling, “This m—–f—– don’t got s—. He ain’t got s— right now. Shoot! Shoot!” After Lin missed a pull-up jumper, Bryant said, “I talked his ass right into that bulls—. I talked his ass right into that bulls—.” By the end of the scrimmage, which the starters won, Bryant said, “Practice gets real uncomfortable when I’m in this m—–f—–.” After the team gathered together at center court to close practice, Bryant passed Lakers general manager Mitch Kupchak and said, “I’m supposed to practice and get better, Mitch. I’m supposed to practice and get better. These m—–f—— ain’t doing s— for me.” Bryant said Thursday’s practice was no different than any other one he participates in except for maybe the fact the media got a courtside view of him trying to motivate his younger teammates. “No, I was just being myself,” Bryant said. “I don’t know if it helps them, but it obviously raises the intensity level. It was a tough practice for them … It’s really good for Nick, aside from the fun of bantering back and forth and the trash talk, just fundamentally some of the techniques and things that I use. He gets a chance to really see up close those little tricks.” Bryant said Young got the trash talking started Monday. “I think Nick probably regrets getting me started at practice and saying something,” he said. And what did Bryant think when Young said no one could guard him one-on-one? “Thank god, I’m not from this world,” Bryant said.
Hearing about Nick Young and Kobe trash-talking to each other about guarding each other one-on-one reminded me of the great story Horace Grant and few former Lakers once told about Kobe “destroying” Isaiah “J.R.” Rider in practice.
Another story that comes to mind is the one Kobe told at a BET Experience event when he was asked, “What’s the worst thing he’s ever said to a teammate?”
“Oh, Jesus, let me think,” he said with a laugh. “I’m not sure if the fact that I’m thinking about the worst things that I’ve said really means that I haven’t said that many, or maybe I’ve said too many. I’m scrolling through them [in my mind]. I’m like on iPod shuffle.
“There are certain players that I’ve made cry,” Bryant said. “If I can make you cry by being sarcastic, then I really don’t want to play with you in the playoffs if that’s making you cry.
“But let me see. There was one teammate that was just so bad. He was so bad. It wasn’t Kwame [Brown]. Kwame wasn’t actually that bad. I tease Kwame. It wasn’t Smush [Parker]. It was a player that you guys won’t even remember if I said who his name was. I can’t even pronounce his name. It was some European kid.
“But he was really, really bad. I said, ‘Dude, you might want to reconsider what your life purpose is. Maybe it’s not this.’ It came out that way. I was like, maybe 20-something years old, I don’t know, really young.